WHAT YOU NEED TO CONSIDER BEFORE GETTING A DIVORCE IN PENNSYLVANIA

Before you employ an attorney, or mediator, or make a decision about getting a divorce, there are somethings you should consider.  Meeting with a marriage counselor who can help you weigh the pros and cons of what you may be getting ready to do is a highly recommended first step. Ending a marriage can cause a lot of stress for everyone involved both emotionally and financially. If divorce still appears to be the best route after trying counseling, consider these other factors before making a life-changing decision.

HAVE YOU MADE CLEAR YOUR CONCERNS ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP

You may think that you have communicated, but your partner may not have really heard and considered your concerns.  Research shows that people hear only between 30 to 35% of what is said to them.  This is because we are often full of thoughts about “I’m going to say this to them”.  If, for example, you believe your spouse is not making you a priority and fails to spend time with you.  This behavior can be changed, if he or she is aware of your concerns.

You want to be really clear that you have given it everything in terms of speaking the truth to your partner before you make a decision about getting a divorce.  That could be helpful and healing if the marriage dissolves, because you will know that you have done everything possible to make the marriage work.

DO YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE HAVE SHARED EXPECTATIONS ABOUT THE RULES YOU EACH PLAY IN THE RELATIONSHIP

Sometimes the problem is as simple as not understanding how your partner expects you to behave.  In exploring marriages that have failed, sometimes the case is what the husband or wife want their spouse to do and they are not doing it.  If for instance, one person expects the other to take the lead in managing finances and he or she would prefer not to do so, problems could result.

IF THERE IS A WAY TO SAVE THE MARRIAGE, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

Some counselors have suggested the following:  Preparing a sheet of paper and on one side of the sheet of paper or computer screen , make a list of what you think you need to do to save the marriage. On the other side, what your spouse needs to do and make sure your spouse does the same.  It is an exercise which can be extremely helpful.  Otherwise, this question can very easily become a question all about what the other person needs to do and not what each person can and should do.

WILL YOU REALLY BE HAPPIER WITHOUT YOUR SPOUSE?

You have to look fiercely and realistically and consider if the relationship is worth what you are giving up.  Perhaps, your spouse doesn’t interest you as a sexual partner as much as you want, but maybe your spouse’s coparenting skills, willingness and help with everyday chores, or companionship, can offset the negative and make the tradeoff well worth it.  Getting a clear idea of what is most important in your life can make the decision of whether you stay in a marriage less overwhelming.

DO YOU STILL LOVE HIM OR HER?

Even if the answer is yes, divorce may be the right path.  There are a lot of reasons that people decide they can’t stay married, but your emotions aren’t wired with an on or off switch.  Some of the anger which marriage counselors see in divorce, comes from the fact that we still feel love for the other person and can feel hurt, unloved, or unvalued.

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR IN ENDING THE RELATIONSHIP?

For some people, it might be the fear of being single again or the fear of being alone for the rest of their life.  For others, the fear of losing a sense of physical intimacy.  An understanding of these fears may help you in making a decision.

ARE YOU LETTING THE PROSPECT OF DIVORCE RUIN YOUR SELF IMAGE?

Many people feel that their marriage is/was an accomplishment; and the threat of divorce can leave those same people feeling like a failure – shifting their entire identity and swaying their decisions. Instead of dwelling on the relationships shortcomings and mistakes, look at the relationship in a more empowering way.  For example, if you give intimacy a real try, or work on communication then you can move forward confidently knowing you are trying different options. Trying different tools and techniques may help you gain clarity and make a more informed decision.

HOW CAN A DIVORCE BE HANDLED TO MINIMIZE THE HARM ON THE CHILDREN?

If you can’t reconcile your differences; or are really miserable together and getting divorced is the best thing to do, you still have to navigate your parallel or co-parenting approach. You are still going to be involved in each other’s lives to some degree as long as you both are there to support your children. Without healthy agreements in place, children can be used and deeply harmed based on resentment, control or manipulation.

ARE YOU PREPARED FOR THE FINANCIAL STRESSES GETTING A DIVORCE MAY BRING?

The best way to minimize financial damages or unpleasant surprises is to start thinking about the financial implications of divorce early on.  This means meeting, if you can, with a financial advisor, talking to lawyers, and writing down what it is going to cost and what your financial circumstances will be after a divorce. A little preparation and professional guidance goes a long way – and although professional services may incur an upfront cost, they usually pay for themselves many times over.

AM I GOING TO HANDLE THE DAY-TO-DAY DETAILS OF LIVING THAT MY SPOUSE TOOK CARE OF?

We prepare for most other major transitions, but divorce can seem to erupt like a volcano and our lack of preparation adds to the difficulty.  After a divorce, you may find yourself paying bills or figuring out taxes for the first time in years – or doing laundry and going to the grocery store.  If there are children, you need to decide who will  keep track of their activities.  Many people unknowingly minimize or take for granted their spouse’s contributions during the marriage – then they quickly realize how much they actually contributed once they are no longer around to do so.

HOW DO I KEEP FROM MAKING THE SAME MISTAKES?

Understand that the problem may be you, not your marriage.  If you are bored in a relationship, you may find yourself bored in another relationship also.  If you quarrel with your spouse over whose relatives to visit during the holidays, the same conflict may reappear in a subsequent marriage or relationship. It is almost always worth seeking counseling or therapy first to see if you can uncover deeper issues that aren’t actually relationship specific first. Once these issues are brought to light, tools can be utilized to manage them.

CONCLUSION

As with all major decisions, getting a divorce has both pros and cons and you need to consider  both the pros and cons extremely careful in making your decision.  Keep in mind that you can have a consultation with a divorce attorney in order to learn what the implications are and your concerns about getting a divorce.  Some things may be better, others not, and you need to prepare yourself for both the pros and cons.  A consultation with a divorce attorney will help you make the decision.

At Pyfer Reese Straub Gray & Farhat PC – we aim to help resolve conflict before it ever reaches the courtroom. That is our commitment to you and our community. If you find yourself in a situation that is heading that way, we are here to help you navigate the murky waters. Contact our team today to get answers on your specific case.

Disclaimer:

Our blogs/news articles are not legal advice, guidance or help. They are written to provide general information on a variety of topics only. In order to get legal help from our team, we need to understand your personal, unique situation. You can get help by contacting our offices today.